On Beauty And Hand Guns

By Sharon Olanrewaju

I watched sternly, eyes widened, as she did her artistic work; hands set, all tools in place, confidence like that of Michael Angelo.
She  commanded me “HOLD THE MIRROR WELL!”
I obeyed promptly like a nervous apprentice who is scared her boss could fire her at any tiny fault. I was before a professional artist.

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5 Nigerian Foods That I Consider Over-hyped

Let me start by sincerely apologising to my non-Nigerian readers for, you shall not understand what is going on here. I just have to do this!
Huge hugs for you guys though…

1. Ponmo

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Credit: Sisiolobekayn

Need I state the obvious reason behind my feeling of over-hypness of this thing Nigerians treat like gold??? It is just cow hide!
Cow hide!!!
It has no nutritional value nor any value whatsoever other than to be cooked and chewed and chewed and chewed.
God help you if the cooker of your Ponmo did not cook it well, you wee enterit!

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Get Out!

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So the other day, I sat by this girl in class who couldn’t just stay out of my space! I mean, the space was just enough for a voluptuous chocolate beauty like me;););), now imagine having someone literally breathing all over my face, talking in my ears and spreading food all over my body!
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Aaarrgghh!!!

Why can’t people just man their spaces and not get into someone else’s? Why must you keep touching my arm, stroking my hair and twirling the strap of my handbag between your fingers all because you’re so engrossed in whatever you’re saying and you can’t help but ‘touch something’.
Keep your hands to yourself!

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Oya, die O!

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Colours As I See It

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Yes, Josh picked a picture where I looked so 2003!:? The only saving grace is it's a fine one:mrgreen:

My awesome crime fiction-writer friend Joshua Olanrewaju, the affable LordJosh, invited me and some other amazingly-gifted persons to write for his #30DaysOfNovember trend last November.
We were asked to write on anything “as we see it”… I wrote on colours. Yup, colours! Believe me when I say I’m still suprised with my choice till today!
I’ll let the piece do the talking…

Life is indeed colouful. We can feel in the pink one day, with our bank balances comfortably in the black, and the grass seemingly no greener on the other side of the fence. Then out of the blue, something tiresome happens that makes us see red, turn ashen white, even purple with rage. Maybe controlling our varying emotions is just ‘colour management’ by another name
-Alex Morritt

What is it about colours? you’d ask; especially since I am the one writing about them (I mean, what lawyer writes about colours, yeah?)

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Sisters Get In Here!

My ‘fellow sisters’, I knew I was finding trouble when I published Brothers Get In Here and trouble, I found.
The brothers af vex!
They came for me – on BBM, WhatsApp and they even ganged up to give me the beating of my life on my way to the library.
One of them chopped enough liver to write a rejoinder!
Who else but the one and only Tosin Atolagbe?
I promised to publish… And I’d also like to invite all other vexing brothers – or sisters – who have vexations, to forward such to queen.oset@gmail.com.
I’d be glad to publish.
The war has begun and here are Tosin’s shots.

To all my beautiful ladies,  let’s look away from the new year resolutions for a second and talk about how ‘HE’ won’t just come alone but how he would come to stay.
Without further aberration;

1
Most “Mr Rights” usually tilt to the left to access and analyse some basics before they make that move. (Whatever that means?!😒😒)
You don’t need to combine a Christian Louboutin bag with Gucci slippers and a floral rhinestone Gown to look like a mannequin for Buy-One-Get-One-Free (BOGOF) before the guys tap your shoulders.
The starter pack for Mr right is your carriage and your package. Combine your colours beautifully in all decency and pick a terrific walking step.
Don’t just stride anyhow like Cristiano Ronaldo wants to take a free kick.
Ouch!

2
Always anticipate a fantastic ‘pick up line’. No bloody civilian should whistle like he lost his dog and you’re already pointing your index finger at yourself like “me? You mean me??”

3
If you want to tone, biko don’t concentrate on your face and leave your legs to eventually look like half-baked pie.
O.M.G!!!

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Lastly, get a nice perfume.
Where lies the honey is where the bees dwell. You can’t be oozing like the water on my granny’s ogi and expect me to say “excuse me”. Even if I say ‘excuse me’,  I wan pass ni oo!

Ah, Lobatan! 😨😒😒
Sisters, there you have it!
As for me, I’m outta here!

Brothers Get In Here!

Hello Bro!
Come, I want to break a sister-code (that one that says never to break the code?); it’s a new year and I am tired of your singleness, you’re using it to frustrate the sisters!
I don’t have a lot to say. Just very few cogent points that if adhered to, will transform your love life.

1. Use Maclean Toothpaste!
Ah, did you just say that they don’t produce it anymore?
*HandsOnHead*
Please, for the sake of your romantic destiny, goanfind it. You know why? YOU NEED YOUR CONFIDENCE BACK!
Shebithat is what Maclean purports to do? Then go and find one and use it because, to get the sister, you need confidence!
No correct babe likes a man that cannot even properly and confidently ‘present his case’ to her – NO!
A guy who was recently on my case called me a few days ago and asked to see me. I asked to know what for and he kept saying some stuff that had no head nor tail and this headless and tailless something he was saying, he could not even say properly – he was sounding like a nursery school kid who forgot the lines of his poem in front of the audience in the school’s prize-giving day! I felt like weeping for him – for that sole reason, I declined the request.
If you don’t believe this rule, carry out an inquiry from the ‘babes’.
I say no more!

2. Buy Turari
Yes. If you cannot afford proper perfume, bikobuy Turari.
Issallow ehn.
Smell nice!
After the babe has spent an hour to draw fleek brows and wear Ruby Woo lipstick, you wee now come from nowhere and come and be smelling like moin-moin from last week and you want the babe to say ‘yes’?
No. She will not say yes!!
If I Hear!

3. Wear To-match
See ehn, to-match does not necessarily mean buba and soro, sometimes, to-match is wearing a top and bottom that fits! Fits in colour, texture, size…
Brother please, stop dressing like WW III descended on you before you stepped out of your house.
Wash and iron your clothes, Polish your shoes, keep clean nails, cut your hair, put vasline on your lips and above all, PLEASE WEAR YOUR RIGHT SIZES!
Hian!

4. Study Student’s Companion
Yes O!
That book that we used for English in secondary school? Abeg ehn, find it and study it like your destiny depends on it because, it actually does!
All these grammar that you’re using to bamboozle the sisters is not werking.
We’re tired! (Can I get a witness sis?)
It af do!
Learn how to speak well!
Filing your matter and presenting your arguments properly is very crucial to your case or else, it will be struck out! (*DancingShakitiBobo* My lecturers need to see this. They’ll be very proud of me!)
Even if it is Yoruba you want to speak or Ibo, or Hausa, please, co-ordinate your grammar well!
Toh! Ayaf said my own.

I’m Out!

Happy New Year!

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Yay! It’s 2016!
Happy new year everyone!

I cannot categorically say that I have the new year vibe –  I’m seriously hoping to catch on the vibe before it wears off – but, I know it’s going to be a great year and I look to each day unwinding its goodies.
As usual, I’ve been hearing all the ‘new year resolution’ talks… 
People still do that stuff? Issorai

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